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A while ago ... oh, I'm probably INFP or INTP ... yes, a while ago, I had a harrowing time with an ENFP girl who, in my view, shamelessly led me up the garden path. After giving me non-stop signals for a few months, when I got serious and nailed my colors firmly to the mask, telling her that I liked her, she said she was in the process of making up with her former boyfriend.
The signals she gave me were beyond friendly flirting, but extended to those kind of subtle emotional tests that some women seem to do unconsciously test the response of the men that they're notionally interested in. I say she threw those tests at me subconsciously because I give her the benefit of the doubt because, if her emotional tests were done consciously, then I'd deem she was callous even cruel. So I give her the benefit of the doubt. (In the end, she apologized, which suggests it may not have been totally subconscious).
From what I read on these forums, you ENFP's seem to be saying that ENFP's just do this sort of flirting and emotional testing simply because that's the way you're wired, and that you don't intend it to be callous.
A friend of mine previously cautioned me about women who are flirty, because of their inner emotional neediness. She also warned me about that ENFP woman, saying that, if she's like that as a single, she'll continue to be flirty even when she's married, and the marriage would continually be rocked by her needing to flirt to gain emotional reinforcement from men flocking around her. She had observed this ENFP woman even flirting with married men. She said other women hated this ENFP and didn't trust their husbands around her.
Why I'm asking this is because I'm finding myself getting attracted to a second ENFP woman. Having been bitten once, I'm now overly cautious in stepping across the line and initiating a relationship with this second ENFP.
Basically -- Myers Briggs side, any husband wants a wife who is loyal and exclusive to him, and no doubt any wife wants that from her husband too.
Did I just run into a bad-cookie ENFP, or are all ENFP's actually susceptible to flirting with other men even after they're married? I must say, this would drive me insane. I don't mind wives having male friends!!!! But a wife flirting with other men just would be too much for me to handle.
If the majority of ENFP women flirt, even after they're married, are ENFP marriages susceptible to risk?
Sure, the ENFP's husband can be secure etc. but if the woman is flirting, the fact is, she's stimulating feelings in other men which, sometimes, can go to the next level.
Is any relationship with an ENFP at risk, or am I just paranoid because of my previous bad experience?
I love the ENFP personality because it brings out the best in me, but I don't want to enter a relationship and marriage that is potentially risky because of the woman's inability to not flirt with other men even after marriage.
Are there any non-flirty ENFP's?
The signals she gave me were beyond friendly flirting, but extended to those kind of subtle emotional tests that some women seem to do unconsciously test the response of the men that they're notionally interested in. I say she threw those tests at me subconsciously because I give her the benefit of the doubt because, if her emotional tests were done consciously, then I'd deem she was callous even cruel. So I give her the benefit of the doubt. (In the end, she apologized, which suggests it may not have been totally subconscious).
From what I read on these forums, you ENFP's seem to be saying that ENFP's just do this sort of flirting and emotional testing simply because that's the way you're wired, and that you don't intend it to be callous.
A friend of mine previously cautioned me about women who are flirty, because of their inner emotional neediness. She also warned me about that ENFP woman, saying that, if she's like that as a single, she'll continue to be flirty even when she's married, and the marriage would continually be rocked by her needing to flirt to gain emotional reinforcement from men flocking around her. She had observed this ENFP woman even flirting with married men. She said other women hated this ENFP and didn't trust their husbands around her.
Why I'm asking this is because I'm finding myself getting attracted to a second ENFP woman. Having been bitten once, I'm now overly cautious in stepping across the line and initiating a relationship with this second ENFP.
Basically -- Myers Briggs side, any husband wants a wife who is loyal and exclusive to him, and no doubt any wife wants that from her husband too.
Did I just run into a bad-cookie ENFP, or are all ENFP's actually susceptible to flirting with other men even after they're married? I must say, this would drive me insane. I don't mind wives having male friends!!!! But a wife flirting with other men just would be too much for me to handle.
If the majority of ENFP women flirt, even after they're married, are ENFP marriages susceptible to risk?
Sure, the ENFP's husband can be secure etc. but if the woman is flirting, the fact is, she's stimulating feelings in other men which, sometimes, can go to the next level.
Is any relationship with an ENFP at risk, or am I just paranoid because of my previous bad experience?
I love the ENFP personality because it brings out the best in me, but I don't want to enter a relationship and marriage that is potentially risky because of the woman's inability to not flirt with other men even after marriage.
Are there any non-flirty ENFP's?
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Re: After marriage, do all female ENFP's continue to flirt with other men?
Thu, January 29, 2009 - 11:42 AMI can't help but laugh at this title since I am a married ENFP woman and know a couple friends like me. Here are my answers:
1) For normal, developed, more mature (not old, just confident) ENFP women, the answer is no, we know that ENFPs are popular not because of gender attention, but because we are genuinely good-hearted, fun, complimentary pple who always seek out the strengths in others and encourage that out of everyone. However, sometimes some pple see that as "interest" esp those conceited types (ESxP alert), as they typically operate on the I-pull-ur-hair-if-i-like-u mode, not the i compliment you mode.
2) I do know a couple bad ENFPs that give ENFPs a bad name because they are attention needy. Also, one part of the ENFP personality is very detached as operating in the "just laugh be crazy and be an airhead" mode is our secret weapon to hide pain, or get over hurt. If we laugh, we can't be crying. When I was in m my early twenties I know that if I was hurting from someone or something I party harder and be a lot more generous with friends and strangers because that might be subconsciously how I wanted to be treated, or how I needed to get over the fact someone didnt appreciate me by being an extra gracious person - ENFJs do that a lot too - but it has given out some wrong signals before.
As ENFPs mature on their F side and be more T like, they reduce that part of the need and simply learn to process their psyche and not needing external confirmation.
When ENFPs are happy with their partners they are one of the most Loyal partners you know, dedicated to the point of smothering. However, it is when they are hurt, they tend to divert their attention instead of dealing with their problems, or leave the relationship. Casualties could be left along the way, or if you are strong enough of a draw, you become the solution.
I am not saying it is right, and I did it and now I am helping my ENFP friends (men and women) to get over this "run for rescue" mode. Do watch out for the tendencies, and do not let it deter you.
If ENFP loves you enough to marry you and as long as you keep them stimulated - not just emotionally, intellectually too - you will be the luckiest, at least one of the luckiest, partner on earth. Intellectual stimulation actually works even better because it is better for them to focus on subject matter than emotions, emotions endless emotions. NT friends are great for emo ENFPs in my opnion. If you do have problems, talk, ENFPs either are too afraid to upset the status quo so they hide their frustrations, or they are cosntantly smothering you about how healthy the relationship is - be calm, talk to them.
I am a 53% F vs 47% T so thank god I know how to deal with pple like me.
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Re: After marriage, do all female ENFP's continue to flirt with other men?
Mon, February 2, 2009 - 6:28 PMThanks for that answer, Kiki. It was really beautiful. Actually, I regret the way my question was worded because it implied that all ENFP's flirt outrageously, which has to be over-simplification (I found you can't edit a post after it's been submitted). Your answer gives the impression of someone who really understands herself from life's experience, and shows some of the pluses and minuses of the ENFP personality, just as all personalities have that dual light and dark side. Thanks. I hope I end up with an ENFP as my wife, or something similarly as good :-) -
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Re: After marriage, do all female ENFP's continue to flirt with other men?
Fri, February 6, 2009 - 6:16 AMGoogle what ENFP's are like in a relationship and what they need out of a relationship. It will help you in your relationship and definitely help you land the current FP you are chasing. -
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Re: After marriage, do all female ENFP's continue to flirt with other men?
Fri, February 6, 2009 - 6:51 AMRELATIONSHIPS
When it comes to relationships, Idealists have a lot to offer the right person. For someone whom the NF believes meets his or her ideals, the NF will be a devoted mate and loving parent. Where other spouses may be companionably content, enthusiastically generous, or absent-mindedly friendly, the NF spouse will often take a genuine and well-informed interest in the other's happiness... just as long as the other person supports the NF's ideals. Let an NF feel taken for granted, or that his or her ideals are ridiculous or wrong, and the honeymoon will be over with blindingly swift speed.
CONCERNS
Sometimes NFs make problems for themselves in this way. NFs can be too quick to interpret disagreement as emotional assault, or even as "hate." For many NFs, everything is personal, and criticisms or even mere suggestions may be met with angry and upset emotional outbursts. Those who did not realize they were threatening the goals that constitute the Idealist's cherished identity are often shocked at what seems to them a wildly disproportionate emotional response.
This tends to happen when Idealists lose their perspective as to the value of the goals of others. The feeling of emotional security is critical to the NF; when lacking, the NF becomes much quicker to interpret any statement of the form "My goals are different from yours" as "Your goals are inferior to mine, and you are therefore inferior to me."
The response of some NFs to this perception is to become "crusaders," determined to "save" others from "injustice" (whether those others in reality want or need to be saved at all). Paradoxically, they respond to what they perceive as elitism by becoming elitists themselves, convinced that only they have the answers and that other individuals cannot function without their assistance. Seeing themselves as Percival and Joan of Arc, others come to regard them as Don Quixote.
This "questing" behavior is characteristic of the Idealist. Thus, another typical NF problem can be spending a lifetime on a quest for a beautiful princess for him to rescue, or for a Prince Charming to sweep her off her feet. Ordinary mortals, with all their real flaws, then never seem to measure up, and the NF can flit from person to person without ever finding lasting happiness. If it lasts long enough, or if the NF's heart is broken too thoroughly, he or she can become bitter or even suffer serious depression.
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Re: After marriage, do all female ENFP's continue to flirt with other men?
Fri, February 6, 2009 - 11:36 AMI eat, I sleep, I flirt. This is a dealbreaker for me in relationships. The flirting doesn't mean anything, nor is it gender-specific. I can be monogomous to one person, but I want the freedom to do a little bit of flirting, and I need my partner to be secure enough to understand that I'll always b ecoming back to him. Yes, I need some amount of attention, and I think it is unfair and unrealistic put all of that on one person. I try to flirt with people who understand that it is all about the banter and isn't an invitation to anything else. I think the idea that once 2 people are married that they can't flirt anymore for the rest of their lives is unrealistic and constraining. As long as no one is hiding anything, and both people are secure, it can work really well, and help relationships last longer. -
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Re: After marriage, do all female ENFP's continue to flirt with other men?
Mon, February 9, 2009 - 12:44 AMHi Sasha
Let's define our terms.
I wouldn't call light-hearted banter to be flirting. That's just fun between two people.
For me, flirting has to be an attempt to trigger the other person's sexual response. i.e. the end result of true flirting is that the other person is made to be attracted to you on a sexual level. That's flirting.
So, according to the above, do you merely engage in banter, or do you cross the line of flirting that creates a sexual response in the other person?
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Re: After marriage, do all female ENFP's continue to flirt with other men?
Thu, February 19, 2009 - 7:25 PMSasha, I completely identify with everything you said. It's nice to hear another ENFP verbalize the same perspective down to a tee. :) Thanks.
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Unsu...
Re: After marriage, do all female ENFP's continue to flirt with other men?
Mon, February 9, 2009 - 12:00 PMI'm an ENFP/ENTP... I'm also a bona fida hypomanic... AND I'M A FLIRT (or so i've been told)
I was married for 18 years and was faithful up until the last month of it...
The reason i was unfaithful was neither due to my personality or condition...
I did it because he had ruined our relationship with his ongoing infedilties, which he blamed on me saying he thought i was doing the same due to my flirting?? he was an INTJ...
We ENFP's are flirts but we very often don't know it and mean nothing by it, also we enjoy the company of the opposite sex more so and therefore it can seem we have the potential to be unfaithful by having too many male/female friends... it's not true...
BUT we can seem to give out the wrong impression when first dating as we seem so enthusiastic, so if you are un/fortunate enough to meet one of us... TAKE IT WITH A PINCH OF SALT
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Re: After marriage, do all female ENFP's continue to flirt with other men?
Sun, March 29, 2009 - 6:24 PMJohn,
I am ENFP woman.. and therefore an instinctual flirter.. I have gone through a relationship in the past where my flirting really hurt my ex…and I was completely unaware.
Since then I have tried to be more conscious..and tone down the flirting big-time.
I am now in a new healthy relationship. My partner is always challenging me by inspiring different activities, and helping me achieve any present goals…and I do the same for him. Risk taking very much suits his personality too.. so it works both ways. I also remember to always show my appreciation for him as well…
Because we have a balanced, loving relationship… I have no desire to flirt with anyone but him:)
My advice is to always have a common goal to better yourselves and inspire each other.. (with out placing loads of restrictions..on your ENFP girl) and you will be a happy man…
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Re: After marriage, do all female ENFP's continue to flirt with other men?
Sun, April 26, 2009 - 6:50 AMHi John,
I was surprised by your question, because I'm a ENFP to the core, and I've never been a flirt. Actually I'm a terrible flirt, in that I can't flirt and don't care to. I'm 30 and married. I can say I always had fun relationships with men and was able to connect with them and get a long well with men, but I didn't flirt with them, I was just a good friend. Hence, I didn't really date much until I met my husband. I was the cool friend to guys, but none of them would ask me out because I didn't flirt. So not all ENFP's are flirts, but that could just be unique to me because of how I was raised or something. One character trait of an ENFP is that we are very loyal to our lovers. I would NEVER flirt with another man except my husband. I am wholly devoted to him. I would say that if you are looking at dating a ENFP, make sure she has learned to follow through with things and relationships. Otherwise you might be with a woman who always changes her mind, can't follow through with anything and goes from job to job. Or she gets bored with you and moves on. Learning to follow through with things has been the biggest challenge for me as an ENFP.
