Hey Tinker,

I have no major revelations for you, other than to tell you that it's OK to "bounce around" in life...I've enjoyed the ENFP ride for more years than I care to admit to! After all, does any self-respecting ENFP want to commit to a given path (e.g. the same occupation) for their entire life?....booooo-ringggg!!!! Geez...I've been a research chemist, college professor, U.S. patent agent, musician and voiceover artist....and I'm not done yet!!!

Hope this helps - cheers,
George

I am in this same boat more than I ever care to admit. I'd love to find a way to stay commited at times I need to be, but it's just really hard. The fun of buying that new thing or starting that new project, or going to that new place is great until it no longer is new and exciting. This is just me, but when i find myself in a spot where I am having trouble with the routines and dullness of every day life, and then have trouble committing to whatever ever it is, I tend to find something to do, see, or find that scares that holy piss out of me. For some reason when i get really scared it does two things.

One, it gives me that sense of adventure and sense of something to either overcome the fear of retreat to my comfort daily activities and appreciate them and....

Two, it gives me something to focus on and get that satisfaction from that is lacking in other aspects. A good example of this is cliff diving. I am scared horribly of heights, but one day i decided to give it a try from the highest point that was around where I was, and the rush of it was amazing.

I like to classify myself as an adrenaline junky I guess as most ENFP's would where the excitement is what gives us the drive. The trick is finding something that is really exciting or that you can look forward to after you complete your other tasks.

Gosh. I was hoping ya' had more to share.

ah, the age old "college major" problem (from one of the replies to your post). Yes, I had 5 different majors before settling on the sure-to-earn-big-money double major of Studio Art and Art History. Yup. But, come on, this is who we are! :) "A triangle can't not be a triangle!" (this is a great concept from a little book called "Art and Fear" that really helped me realize that I should stop trying so hard to change myself, and maybe....just maybe... embrace myself).

I think that there are some situations in life that do call for "corralling" oneself. Relationships, for example: no, you do not have to stay in one relationship forever, but yes you do have to decide if you are going to commit to it for awhile or let it go! And then there's the "where should we eat tonight??" dilemma: maybe you should just think about it ahead of time so that you have something to say when they ask you. hahaha :P

I empathize with you on this one! It is not so easy to be us. We have the glorious role of shaking things up, throwing people off balance with witty and overly-honest remarks, and an inability to stick to our own stories. We are occasionally obnoxious but mostly extremely sweet (and giggly) people. And yes, it does suck to not be able to FOCUS our attention without SERIOUS effort (and it's usually not worth it, when continually scanning the environment is so much more fun). Getting attention from others, on the other hand, is a happy role...

We are who we are. Be happy with your role. You are a triangle - and a triangle can't not be a triangle! :P

For me, I make decisions on a yes and no basis. Sure everything has a gray side but that makes my life very very difficult to function because I find I take forever looking at yes and no sides and not doing anything! Which as an ENFP, you must realise we like procrastination. So, you have to force yourself to take a stand!

However I only do things when I need to. i.e. If a friend asks for my opinion or to help in a problem and I don't want to be biased, I tend to have very objective viewpoints. But if I need to make a decision to move house or go out when I have many things to do, I pick one and stick to it. Sure I don't make the best decisions at times but I learn from them and there are times when I'm just plain reckless because I stop thinking all together.

Good luck with sticking to something, it's not really what an ENFP wants to do but it lets us progress and not sink into depression because if given a choice, we would not do anything but talk to people and socialise. Sadly, the world doesn't function that way!

I believe in the One true God, and I believe in marriage. I have been married 22 years. I have been loved, sheltered, protected and accepted. I have been given the gift of four beautiful, loving, intelligent children who are now growing into adulthood with senses of humor and great affectionate natures due to the ever-funny, ever fun, creative, unpredictable silly mom and their hard-working, kind dad. I love and nurture everyone that my intuitive nature shows me needs healing. I have a wonderful life. And yes, I still can't decide what I want to be when I grow up. But being married to an INFJ makes for a really stable life. I'm the kite and he's the kite string. You may feel a little tied down at first, but how else can you soar? Commitment IS life.

Hi Tinkerbell

As a fellow ENPP and being 43 years old the first bit of advice is don't fight what and who you are!

Trying to be more accepting of yourself, though this can be easier said than done is one of lifes greatest challenges. One way to do start this is to set yourself, say three acheivable goals that have a short time frames (say 2-3 months), and that could be for work, personal life whatever. Then set slightly longer goals once these have been achieved and work your way up to an annual set of goals.

In relationships and work try to communicate with your partner or boss as much as you can. This wil help layout the boundaries of how you will best work and play. remember being in the wrong job is very painful and worse for ENFPs, so do lots of research into companies, job types and cultures that will suit you. (ENFPs like colourful, lively and energising places to work). Look at the Fast Comapny website and see if you can find examples of great places to work.

In the UK places like What?If! (they have aNY office now too, see whatifinnovation.com or co.uk) would really suit ENFPs. The reason to find companies like this is to get benchmarks that you can measure job type and cultural fit for other opportunities that you're searching for.

ENFPs are also known as 'scanners' a typology of people identified by a personal development 'guru' called Barbara Sher. Her books Refuse to Choose and 'I could do anything if only I knew what it was' may be very helpful to you in your career. You could also get a copy of 'The Work we were born to do' which takes an inside out view of work, jobs and establishing meaning for yourself. The problem with beiing an ENFP is that we tend to bow to others wants and needs because we find it hard to define ourselves.

Two interesting stories spring to mind from the Barbara Sher books. One is of a donkey who has two piles of hay to eat - but he starves to death because he can't decide which one to eat. The reality is he can eat both, he just needs to decide which one to eat first. The second story is about a character who in music class tries all the instruments but can't play any well enough to be in the orchestra - his reality is that he isn't a musician but a conductor!

Take some lessons from these stories where you can. Try and get these books because I have found them a great help.

On the relationship side of life there are a few things you can try and do, whether it's for family or partners.

My experience, regarding partners in my younger days, was to have quite a few girlfriends but not get involved with them too deeply too soon. Now being a male this is expensive, all these dates that men are expected to pay for! However, it allowed me to get a feel for what different people were like and what kind of people 'work' for me. Setting out your expectations of a relationship in subtle ways and establishing boundaries through talking about who you are as a person can really help.

As a coach, some of my clients often assume that others know what kind of people they are. ENFPs make up a disproportionately small percentage of the population (3-4%) so educating people about who you are and how you work is important, though you need to do it in a diplomatic way of course.

For me mantras and similar tools don't really work like they should. ENFPs, particularly younger ones may find it helpful to try lots of things before committing to them. For relationships go out with guys on a trial basis. This is like a pre-date. Going out on a date is loaded with expectations including possible future commitment. To avoid this initially do something lower key a few times with a person you feel you might like - meeting in a gallery or a museum for an hour or two for example. Find out who they are, and who you are with them!

For careers, go and meet people that are doing jobs you think you'd like to do. Work in a place for a day or a week. We are samplers by nature so we must 'suck and see'.

For family, try to get them to see that you are hard-wired in a certain way and that that's OK. Leave a copy of Barbara Shers book around the house for someone to find.

Getting places in the long term is an interesting phrase you have used. ENFPs do get places in life, they're just different places to most other people, and to us the journey is more important than the places anyway. Don't mix up success with happiness, just as money doen't bring you happiness, success doesn't necessarily bring happiness! By that I mean meeting other peoples success criteria will make you miserable if it is not in line with your values.

ENFPs are generally very astute people and pick up skills easily, what you need to do is start recording what you know and how you learn to try and see how far you've come over time.

If it's any consolation what appears as commitment phobia gets 'better' as you get older (I'm guessing your late teens early twenties).

If you can find a coach to help you stay on track then that may help a lot. Look for someone who is an ENFP and has some good life experience and can chat through things with you without judging you. I would offer my services but I'm in the UK so not practical for you I guess.

Don't worry about your boyfriends too much, you're not hurting them as much as you think!

Above all else remember that you'll commit to things and people you're most passionate about, for ENFPs though it takes time to find what your passions are and understand them fully.

Hope that helps.

David
Glasgow
Scotland

Hello Tinkerbell!

We ENFP's are interesting individuals. I see so many of us here on tribe, which btw is a great resource for us social ones, and I am kind of amazed that the Myer's Briggs people say that ENFP's only make up like 5% of the population. were really special. I can sympathize 100% with everyone who has posted within the ENFP career decision problems and commitment problem discussion spots. I am on that amusement park ride right along with you all. Its pleasurable and sickening at the same time.

My biggest piece of advice is to meditate, do yoga, indulge in your hobby, or take your mind off of the situation at hand for a set amount of time and come back to it later if that is possible. When I say take your mind off of it, I mean refuse to mull over the decisions night after night day after day up and down up and down, just do enjoyable things. Sometimes the decision process takes so much energy out of us with real anxiety issues and takes us out of daily functioning. I know because about two weeks ago I got a migraine, got real sick, and vomited before sleeping two nights in a row because I can't make up my mind what to do with my college career.

Listen to a hypnotherapy CD, those are always relaxing and then you feel more refreshed afterwards, get some of your chores out of the way, talk to some friends (nothing about your problem deciding on something) and go do something...walk, see a movie, blah blah blah

After you are centered I highly HIGHLY recomend grabbing a notebook and writing as much as you possibly can about your strengths your weaknesses and most importantly your values. Try to link them together then come back to the decision at hand and meditate on the topic, alone, without distractions really focusing on YOURSELF and how you feel and how you react to your own thoughts, actively journal your reactions.
After you document these things sit back or lay down comfortably and really try to envision your life after choosing one path from your decision than envision your life after the other choice. Give yourself a lot of time to do these exercises without any distractions, maybe choosing one day to pretend you chose the one side and another day dedicated to pretend you chose the other. There is no limit. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to consider yourself in these exercises....Once you understand your needs and choose to do something for yourself you will fully know your values, support your strengths embrace your heart and find the cast to hold your weaknesses together, you will be happy and the things you actually subconsciously need will come....

I read another post by a much older gentleman to a younger gentleman trying to make a career choice, and he said that we ENFP's need to focus on our weakness when making decisions. myer's briggs advice to us ENFP's about our weaknesses involving confusion or the inability to make a decision is to just take time to "center" ourselves first. I'm in this process still. I know how difficult it is, even worse off for us who have been held up to high esteems such as being called a smart cookie, or a genius....ENFPs not only have a hard time making decisions but we consider everyone else around us...maybe while thinking we revolve around thoughts of those important to us and their comments about us..and we almost feel inclined to live up to standards made by other people...not ourselves.

I hope you and others try this at least once to see what you can discover about yourself. The self discovery process is HUGE for ENFP's it makes those decisions easier.

Best of luck,
Kendra