Hi Brett,

I know it has been a while since you posted your questions about ENFP love matches, but I remember asking those same questions in college and remember how badly I wanted to "get it right!" so I thought you might still be interested in an answer.

I am an ENFP, married for twelve years to an INTJ, so to me, "best love match" doesn't just mean cards and flowers but day to day living and loving, friendship, respect and parenting, in it for the long haul. There are formulaic answers and there are real life answers.

I think certain NFs, NTs, and even SPs could all work well as matches for ENFP gals. It would depend a great deal on what her family was like and what she expects from her dreamed of beloved. An SJ mating would even have its benefits, (someone would make sure the electric bill and mortgage got paid on time, etc.) but I, for one, wouldn't want to touch it. (Better to marry a friend you respect and like and hire the bookkeeping out.)

From what I have experienced of the differences between ENFP and ENFJ, that is also a mating combination I would never _ever_ consider for myself.

My husband and I have always been very thankful to share the N trait, since sensors and intuitives are very different creatures and we both feel "normal" together, even when we feel like foreigners dealing with others (sensors) "out in the world". But I have an ENFP friend who had a traumatic childhood and has been delighted with the steady faithful love of her ISTP husband.

The P/J difference is a stressful one in any relationship. One needs closure and cares deeply about being on time and orderly, the other wants options kept open, and often isn't really specific in where he/she drops things and when he/she does things. (My mother and I share this difference, as do my mother and father, and it gives her fits. As a matter of fact, every female relative I have, except for two of my children, is a J where I am a P.) That causes conflict when living in close quarters. But, if you are willing to grow and develop skills you can see it as a challenge to raise your standard of living. Did you grow up with a lot of criticism? Do you have strong need for a home free from criticism, or do you really need the strengths that a J can bring to the table? Do you have a source for the ST input that is so useful to ENFPs when wrestling with the really big decisions? (my brother and dad do that for me.)

Neither NTs nor NFs are very practical. Someone has to make sure the bills get paid on time, the meals get cooked, the grocery shopping gets done, the house gets cleaned, the children have sweaters on, Christmas gifts are ready, *found* and delivered on time, the birthday cards get bought and mailed *on time* to the SJ Grandmas, etc. :o) With an NF or NT mate, the two of you are going to have to develop a working agreement, or you, the ENFP wife, is going to bear a lot of responsibility for SJ details, or you're going to need to hire a cook/ housekeeper/secretary. I personally would rather be socializing, drawing or creating something new and my husband would rather be studying theology or programming his web servers, but if nobody mails the rent you quickly have no home in which to do those things.

If each of you had an SJ parent you're both going to expect "someome else" to "take care of" things. Left undone, these household details can get in the way of all the wonderful relating you want to do. I recommend FLYlady.net for developing ENFP household running skills. She understands us, and her system works.

Growing up, my two closest (girl) friends were ENTJs and I had several ENFP male friends. After marrying an NTJ, I've developed my closest women friendships with two INFPs, whom I adore. I've always enjoyed and admired NT intellect but need NF friendship and support, too. I had the opportunity to marry an ENFP, but decided not to. Comfortable, but not interesting enough somehow. . . . Someone else might love it.

Now, for the E/I factor. Do you want someone who will go to all those functions with you? "Let's go to the party!"/"I hate those things; let's stay home." Do you want someone who will help host your parties? Our working compromise is to host people fairly frequently, but usually one guest at a time.

My guess? Probably the "easiest" "formula" match for an ENFP would be
an ENTP, but that may not be _your_ best match because your baggage may vary. :o) Personally, I am really thankful for my husband's analytic ability when I have to think through things because there are decisions to make and I need to make a choice. (It took a number of years to grow into doing that as a team, but we're good at it now.) We both love teaching and enjoy teaching each other things.

A website resource for understanding the dynamic between various types is typelogic.com. They have a nice understanding of the role different types play in each other's lives.

I know this is long, but let me add one thing:
Even if you don't marry your "ideal perfect match" you can have a good life together. My dad always told me that at some point every marriage ends in divorce. Then the people involved need to decide if they are going to pick up the pieces and rebuild or go their separate ways. He's right.
Sometimes the secret to staying married is just . . . staying married. I wish you all the best.

Yes indeed, I was married to an ENFJ. was.... the INTJ intrigues me because we seem to learn from each other...

Well, I am an INTJ female married to an ENFP male for the last 6 years. We are incredibly happy together, though it is true that the J/P difference can cause stress our relationship from time to time. I realize this is the opposite of the gender situation you are describing, and that does make a difference! (We joke about me being the guy... :) But we are really a great balance for each other - in life, as parents... pretty much in every way you can imagine. INTP would probably also be a good match for an ENFP, but I think that having two N's in a relationship, neither of whom are J's could result in a little too much... I don't know, chaos? Anyway, good luck!

INTJ!

We appreciate you in full, and we keep you structured in a good way (i.e. we help you to make good, rational, long-term decisions). It's the ideal connection.

The hard part is for the two to meet, because INTJs and ENFPs pretty much never pick the same educational majors or career paths, and well, INTJs are introverts. It's not hard for an INTJ to find one of you - ENFPs get around, and you light up the place wherever you go :-) - but finding an INTJ might be problematic. My best advice is to try hanging out anyplace brainy or geeky.

I recently started dating an INTJ. We worked together at a restaurant, and I was immediately attracted to him. I wouldn't say it was love at first sight, but something told me that he would be an interesting person to get to know. He was shy (I love shy guys), but funny and intellegent. I was about the only person at work he really pursued conversation with--when he didn't know something about his job, he would always ask me. We would just see each other at work for awhile, and we both secretly liked each other but thought the other person was dating someone, and we wanted to respect each other, so neither of us brought the dating issue up.

One day, one of our co-workers approached him while he was wiping a table and said, "Matt, do you like Sarah?" He paused and thought for a moment. She said "Is that a yes?"

"It's not a no."

So she came up to me and told me that he liked me, and later that night he asked me to a waffle house (the only thing open in our town after 12:00). We went that night and talked for about two hours, cracking each other up. I didn't expect him to be so funny. He really started opening up to me. We became friends and respected each other, and then he eventually asked me if we were dating.

"I don't know...do you want to be dating?"
"Are you kidding me? Yeah!"
He told me that for him, being around me was intoxicating. I didn't even realize how much he liked me until he said that, and he keeps impressing me everyday. INTJs can be very quiet and reserved about their feelings, so when they do talk about them, it can be startling to realize how much emotion they really have.

He's great. I'm in love with him and he's in love with me. We couldn't be happier.

I didn't know he was an INTJ at first. I had read "Please Understand Me II" and looked at all the different compatibility info. I thought I had been in love with an INTJ before, but looking back, it wasn't love (more like poor-self image and infatuation) and he was an ENTJ.

I wouldn't depend too much on type. If it you are supposed to meet someone (odds are that you are supposed to), it will happen. Live your life. Become yourself, the best version of yourself. As one of my best friends says, "You have to be the one before you can meet the one".

Best of luck.
Sarah

Hi
Jasmine....wht do you say that u would never_ever_join up with an ENFJ? It sounds like you have some experience with this? I am curious, because I might be interested in an ENFJ ;)

I think that on personalitypage.com, they recommend the INTP for the ENFP. Very similar but just different enough to spice things up and provide balance. It's nice to be a P and to date a P, or be a J and date a J. I think lots of conflicts in relationships are due to the P/J differences. The other things (i.e. sensing/intuition or thinking/feeling or extraversion/introversion), I feel, are easier to tolerate if different. We just attribute the differences to who they are. But J's think P's are unreliable, while P's think that J's are uptight.

I used to think that only another intuitive, probably an introvert, would work for me, but I'm dating a ISFP now who is absolutely great. Our thinking seems to mesh quite well without her having to be intuitive - although she is not that strongly sensate, and is a very strong feeler.

John

INTJs!!

i'm an enfp (woman) & my husband is an ISFP.

Is it possible for a ENFP to match with a ENFP?

And Is it possible for a ENFP to match with a ENFP with Asperger's Syndrome?

I got Asperger's and I'm a ENFP.

Clearly it's ISTP :). That's what most of socionics websites tell and i know it form experience. I dated ESTJ, ESFP, ENFJ and other people who's types i don't know. But so far ISTP is the best, as in the most stable, good, healthy relationship, not like happy over the top all the time, but stable-calm happy.
I'm in a relationship with ISTP for 2,5 years and i have 2 male friends who are ISTP and i know few girls who are ISTP. It's a good relationship. In girls i love listening to their advices because they are really different from my perspective so it gives me a fresh look on things. ISTP guys are just hot. As you get to know them - they are really cool and attractive. It's like they have a hidden passion and energy inside them. Not at first though - they appear cold, sometimes snobby, sometimes boring and they don't take initiative. All of my contacts have been initiated by me, but they do enjoy my company and do their part in maintaining our friendship.
From my romantic experience with ISTP i would say that if you don't think too much about your relationship with ISTP and just take it as it is - then it's good. My problem was because of too much doubting and thinking. ISTP don't think about relationships. Even if they do they don't know what they feel/think and that is frustrating. If you confront them and try to get some answers they'll close down, because they need time to think about it. But it's hard to adjust to that because if you want to know now you want a clear answer now, but to them it's pressuring.
I started dating ISTP because i wanted a good relationship and like you i was looking for a perfect match. Making a research i discovered that ISTP is the ideal match. So i tracked down an ISTP who was attractive to me and we shared a lot of things in common. So we are still together now. But i expected a lot from the "dual" relationship and it wasn't perfect. We had some rough times, but the good part is that as problems come up - they clear out and you don't really need to adjust - you just learn about the person's way of communication and accept it. We are still dating, not married and don't live together. When we are appart I start thinking about our relationship, if it's worth it, if i need this or i can find a better one, so i start having doubts sometimes. It also doesn't help that ISTP are very independent and self-sufficient and don't really understand feelings well so it seems sometimes that they are cold towards you and don't like you. That's why i initiated a lot of "let's get it straight" conversations which were tough because it involved talking about issues that are volnurable to me and trying to get out of ISTP what he really wants/feels but it improved things a lot, after those conversations, even if i didn't hear the exact aswers i understood what's going on in his mind. But that usually happens when we don't see each other often. When we do see each other - it's perfect and i always - always get amazed why would i ever have any doubts.
We are thinking of moving in together next year. I can see some problems that can arise but i'm pretty sure we'll be happy together. Overall i stand by my choice - ISTP. If i break up with my current choice i'll find another ISTP again
ENFPs are also great- they are like your soulmate - they always say what you want to hear, you understand them perfectly, but it gets kinda boring quickly. I have ENFP male friend, so in order to be very happy with each others company we need breaks. It's like one day we are having so much fun together and it's just perfect - the next day we are bored and have nothing to say to each other, but we don't feel bad about it. I actually would even consider dating him, that''s how great he is, but i just know it wouldn't work out. So far he's my best "girlfriend" :)
I have a best friend ENFP who is a girl. She is my soulmate too. We don't see each other often, maybe 3 times a month, but when we do, we just recover in each others company and just feel so happy with each other because we understand each other so well.

I spent two years with an ISTJ- and yes, we were complete opposites. Every argument would end in a stalemate because our perspectives and values were each built with different blocks. Ultimately, I needed CHANGE! an he needed STABILITY!

I am currently with an ENFJ. We have a really mellow relationship. We are both incredibly social, open to unconvenionality, and easily distracted. His J makes him a little bit more grounded. We have a good time, and seem to be good for one another so far.

I totally agree with the comment that two people who are "Ns" and also "Ps" are not an easy long term match. Two NPs can have an incredible sense of connection but life is pretty chaotic on a daily basis 'cause both people's heads are in the clouds and no one is very organized or has a clear sense of time. I suppose it could work if one person were more of a J. I'm a strong N and a strong P and I find it stressful to be with someone who is also a strong NP.

So I think that ENFPs combined with INFJs or ENFJs are a good combination. Also INTJ if they're wanting to develop their F side and have focused some of their tendency towards personal growth on communication and social skills.

I also think that ISTPs can be a good combination with ENFPs if they are past their wild stage and have a spiritual dimension because they share an interest in intense experiences! What do other ENFPs think about this one?

Cheers ;-)

so dont know if anyone has seen this yet but i scrapped the following from www.massmatch.com/MBTI-2.php :
"
ENFP
Love to talk about what is going on in their lives
Will encourage their mates to grow
Need to feel encouragement
Don’t like to say it when their feelings are hurt
Tend to withdraw to process hurt feelings in private
Need to hear how much they mean to someone
Like spontaneous demonstrations of love and respect
Under stress: may have difficulty saying no and take on too many projects

Best types for a relationship: INFJ, INFP, ENFJ, ENFP, ESFJ
Possible types for a relationship: ENTJ, ENTP, INTJ, INTP,ESFP, ISFP
Least likely types for a relationship: ISTJ, ESTJ, ISTP, ESTP, ISFJ
Percentage of the US population: 6-8%
"
that said... i think if a relationship has only P's in it I would worry about "who's worrying about the bills".

I'm Married to an INFJ.

The ENFP/ESFJ thing can be great!!!

I'm an ENFP male enjoying a fairly new long distance relationship with an ESFJ female. Maybe I've missed the discussion, but I haven't seen anyone talking about the ENFP/ESFJ dynamic so I just wanted to get such a pair-up "on the board" and enjoy reading what you all think!!! I don't want to give too many details out of respect for her (or to somehow jinx our deal!) but I will say that - speaking the MBTI lingo for a moment - that our shared Extroversion and Feeling traits really makes our interaction both deeply meaningful and always fun; it seems to outweigh the P/J conflict. Maybe that P/J conflict not only is outweighed by the shared E/F thing, but it's also mitigated by the fact that we're both mature, responsible and self-actualized people with a very similarly-shared religious faith.

Also, while ENFP's are known for playing more fast and loose with mundane-but-necessary tasks like paying bills, meeting deadlines, managing time, etc., this is how I make myself more tolerable to personality types opposite mine (also so I can function in the world w/o too many self-inflicted headaches): I rely on at least 3 "motivators" I can think of:

1st: the joy I get from creating harmony and making people happy,
2nd: the satisfaction I get from being true to my own set of values, which say "It's not fair that I ignore reality, slack off excessively, and pursue my own fun while someone else is forced to take care of the non-fun stuff of everyday life."
Finally: I love the freedom I feel when I get all the boring chores out of the way (admittedly, I will put things off sometimes and then do it all in 1 big flurry of activity before any serious consequences result); THEN, I can really let-go and have some intense, crazy ENFP fun!!!

Hi,

My best pick would be another ENFP or ENFJ.

I was in a long-term relationship with an:

INTJ
ISTJ
ISFJ
ENFP
ENTP

I dated an ENFJ for a short period of time. I must say, I'm most intrigued by them in a sense that I'm highly attracted to those who truly care about others.

I enjoyed the cerebral conversations with INTJs. I also notice a tendency for INTJ's attraction towards my ENFP/INFP demeanor. I must say, I'm just not as into them as much mostly due to the fact that I just don't quite feel that bond with them.

Any type will do, but the type that's best for ENFPs are the ones who we feel a deep connection with, one that's hard to describe. Once you find that in a partner, life is so much more enjoyable.. it's like walking on clouds.

WELL... since I subscribe to the Socionics brand of all this... I'd have to say ISTP, their dual. Or INFJ, their mirror. It's all about how the functions correlate.

I'm personally attracted to anyone IP... ISFP, ISTP, INTP, INFP.

I'd LOVE to date a fellow ENFP for a while. "Hey, let's do this! And this! And this!" for months. :P

Hey Boys and Girls. I would just like to say that Diana is correct. ISTp is the best match. Im a loyal socionics follower. If any of you haven't heard of it, i suggest you have a look. I have studied personalities for years, socionics for about 5 and i am still amazed how accurate it is.

INTj is not the best match at all. INTj is the ENFp's supervisor. This relationship can work (as can most/all) however far from the best. ENFp's are in the delta quadra.

Our delta quadra members are
INFj - Mirror
ESTj - Activity
ENFp - Identical
ISTp - Dual

These Inter Quadra relations are typically the best relationships. I can vouch for this in real life. While i haven't been lucky to land an ISTp girlfriend, i have 3 ISTp friends, 1 INFj friend and 2 ESTj friends. These people are friends with me for a reason (because we are psychologically compatible).

ISTp's are practical with reserved emotions and calming to an ENFp. ENFp's need someone who will support them with the practical side of life. ISTp will do that. ENFp's need someone who will reserve themselves and not reveal their emotions so we dont get bored. ISTp's are exciting and intelligent people. ISTp's need ENFp's because we free them from themselves. They do not understand the ways of relationships and people, and are unsure of how they are recieved. They need an enthusiastic ENFp to support them. ISTp's can tend to sink into sadness and it is the ENFp that best makes them feel wonderful.

Sorry if i sound cocky but i know my shit. Ive been watching people for years.

Hey, you know what would be sweet? If someone started a website - like match. com that matched people based on their letters! (Or is there already something like that out there?) If so...sign me up!

Well I'm with a guy who thought he was an ISTP (by reading the profiles and choosing the one which rang most true) but upon actually doing the test, has found himself to be an INFP! I find him so sexy - his style, his seemingly quiet demeanor in public, and his wild ways in the bedroom. He is such a beast! And romantic to boot! He lavishes me with attention, he tells me he loves me everyday, and he makes me feel sooooo good. I think we totally balance each other out, in the I/E department anyway. He doesn't mind me being the rambunctious one, and I love that he is the shy and unassuming one! To outsiders of course.

I found the two INTJ's I was with in the past (one after the other) just seemed too unsure about their feelings, one even resorting to name calling. I had to sit him down, tell him how lucky he was to have me, then... appropriately dump him a week later when it was clear he hadn't changed. I'm sure with both their feelings ran deep but if they don't tell me then I'm not going to play any guessing games!

definitely an INT_. not an extreme one though (especially the J).

I'm dating an INTJ right now and it really is one of the most rewarding relationships i've been in. i dated an INFP for a while but i got bored/annoyed/fed up with his emotionality. I was still an F, just less F than he was and it didn't work. we do definitely learn from each other and we just balance each other out and have the same sense of humor. it's a fun, laid back relationship but we do care about each other alot. he's not overwhelmingly J so it works very well.

Based on my previous long-term relationships, on the scale of 1-5:

ENFP- 5+
ISTJ (INTJ)- 1
INFJ- 4
ENTP- 3

Most boring/excruciating ? ISTJ/INTJ
Longest/most enjoyable? ENFP

Others that I've dated and really liked? ENFJ

Overall preference: ENFP/ENFJ or INFJ

I don't think I ever dated an ISTJ, but judging by work experience, ENFP's best love match is NOT the polar opposite ISTJ ... I work with a few of those and they drive me crazy!! While I appreciate their minute attention to detail and "spelling everything out," they seem to be incapable of assuming shared knowledge. ... I think tte best love match for an ENFP is either another ENFP or someone like my sweet husband, who is an ENFJ. Our "J" and "P" balance, although it requires some work at times, is overall a good thing. On a different but related not, at different times, both of us have exercised our "I" side, only to look around in panic and wonder what we are missing and then fill our calendars with new, fun stuff. Hopeless extraverts, for sure.

The boyfriends I have felt most deeply connected to have been an ESFP and an ENFJ. I had a deep emotional connection to my boyfriend who was an ESFP, lots of playfulness, and an incredible chemistry, but we did not connect mentally as much, which left me feeling like I was on a different plane of existence from him. My boyfriend who was an ENFJ appreciated my humor which was more important to me than I could have guessed, we could be playful together, and we could understand each other, but he was not adventurous enough for me - he OFTEN just wanted to sit at home, and he was not sexual enough.

I_T_'s often like me, but I feel like I would be overpowering to them and also would not get enough sweetness and tenderness from them. I might be totally off though. I've never date them.

Finding your best match:
For fun, you can read the Teiger's book about book about love matches. There are many THEORIES about which types are best suited for each other. I don't think they are valid. I think your best bet for *generalities* is research. Research finds that people with more letters in common are usually happier together. For finding *your* preferences, you can read the Teiger's book and date lots of people and figure out who you like based on their type.

On the other hand, people are more than their Myer's Briggs type, so I think your best bet for finding one particular person you like is to write down what you liked and didn't like about all kinds of relationships in the past, (Make an owner's manual for yourself) get to know people through dating and getting to know them as friends, dare to be yourself (rather than adapting as I am prone to do as an ENFP), ask for what you want, choose people who are willing to give you what you want and who you enjoy and respect and are attracted to (and whatever else is important to you) and see what you discover!

(Ok, now I need to take my own advice!)

I am with an INTJ and we have been doing not so well lately - only because he is so in his own head all of the time that I dont know what he is thinking, he doesnt go by feeling, only thinking, so I dont feel romanced. It's a big challenge for sure. I am not used to it, and I almost think he is not into me because he doesnt express his love for me, but he just calls me silly for thinking so and constantly needing reassurance. It's pretty frustrating.

Current - ENFP female - ENFJ male, works well except for the whole ENFJ needing public / family / friend confirmation factor. Also, way too ENFJ can be way too emotional sometimes to rationally talk and solve problems, any conflict results will result in shunning - not helpful if you have issues to deal with.

Emotionally very compatible and warm and fuzzy, but you do sometime think that instead of real down-to-earth connection, if it is partly because of ENFJ's need to idealize their relationships to a state of perfection. The social aspect works great as we hang around friends and family.

ENFP - INTJ - seems to be the big attractor here - Good comaraderie, share good intellectual connection, INTJ will melt to your ENFP charm or at least enjoy it to their advantage - The worst part is the decision making style - INTJ makes decisions internally without consultations, in a relationship ENFP makes all decisions on partner consultation - and watch for NTJ tendencies to make snap decisions then regret it later.

ENFP-ENTJ - A very long time crush/best friend/ love. Admired the person for a long time, enjoyed the conversations and mental/ emotional connections immensely, but with NTJs there is always the blind spot of communication - you never really know if they are interested, or interested enough, also you need to be more on the thinking / action side to really appreciate their strength, which I do. Also, get used to their commanding style - they are ususally right, but ENFPs like their autonomy just as much as NTs do, so don't be offended if they tell you to do something. Otherwise I think this is a wonderful match - remember Sound of Music? Classic Cap.Von Trapp + Maria couple. ENFP's emotional sparkle really softens the commanding never-tiring ENTJs, and ENFP's dedication and sensitivity make them trust, respect and follow ENTJ well.

ENFP-ENTP - College bf, silly funny ENFP + cunning funny ENTP= an explosion of fun, laughter at life's absurdities, and ponderings and random little musings.

Typically, I think the softer / or on the dark side, needier NFs tend to find NFs for the emotional support and mutual adoration, which forms a very warm a fuzzy relationship, do watch out for falling short of the idealized version of the relationship though; The more independent, autonomous NFs tend to find NTs more stimulating and grounded.

I also noted that ENFPs tend to attract the ESxP types - they share the sense of fun and view you as a challenge - but fundamentally can't connect, i respect some SPs work ethics and sense of wonder about life, but note that ENFPs and SPs are crazy in fundamentally different ways - we get crazy and silly to amuse pple, bring laughter, or to mock life's absurdities, ExSPs get crazy to call attention to themselves or play daredevil and often inconsiderate or reckless about other's feelings - which we dislike and cannot respect.

I am a female ENFP. My INTJ and I will be celebrating 17 years of marriage this Thursday. How are we? Three kids later our relationship is still spicy hot. (In the best possible way). We have been together for 20 years and know each other quite well, and yet are still amazed by our differences. Understanding type has been a great blessing. Details: we learn from each other, but we also rely on each other. There are simply things that I do best--so I do them, and things that he does best, so he does them. I will end with this: INTJs are really, really sexy.